Lost a friend the other day. Well, lost implies some lack of causality, a drifting apart or some such. This was worse. This happened on purpose. I told her we should just give up on our friendship and quit keeping in touch. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before, with anyone. It hurt. But I discovered that she’d had a boyfriend for over six months and didn’t feel comfortable telling me about him; it seemed to me that if anything is a sign of a dead friendship, that’s it. She tried to explain why she hadn't felt comfortable and the explanation made me feel worse instead of better and I had this feeling that trying to work it out would just lead us both deeper into a hurtful process. So we let it go, even though that really sucks.

I have always prided myself on my tenacity. I hang onto my friends with a death grip, resisting with all my strength the drift that tends to follow geographic separation. I can count the number of close friends I have lost on one hand, and I mourn every one of them. I will mourn this one. And the only thing that makes it worth it is that I think it would have been a constant source of hurt to try to stay friends.

I wish the world wasn't like this. Or maybe I wish I wasn’t like this.

She told me that she hadn't said anything about the boyfriend because she lacked the emotional energy to be judged. She didn’t say it to be hurtful. She’s not that kind of person. Nonetheless, it left me reeling, like I’d been hit in the face. I know I’m judgmental and kind of a bitch – just last night I was yelling at a woman on TV that it was her own stupid fault her dog had breast cancer because she hadn’t had the dog spayed.

I didn’t think I was judgmental about relationships, though. I mean, I’ve made enough mistakes myself not to ever mock anyone else’s. My judgment about men is so incredibly bad that I had to have Kir vetted by all my friends before I believed he was as great as he seemed to be. And now that I’m in a happy relationship, I want all my friends to be in happy relationships too. Kir has to keep restraining me from playing matchmaker.

But I made my friend feel like I would judge her about her boyfriend. So either I am judgmental about that kind of thing, I’m not but I seem like I am or like I would be, or she doesn’t know me all that well, or she’s too sensitive. When I look at it that way, it seems like I decided to blame her. That’s not what I meant to do.

Is it what I did? I don’t know. I don’t think so. Even if I am actually a judgmental bitch, I don’t really know how to stop. I guess I need friends who can tolerate that in me. Now that I know it may be true, I’ll watch for it. I’ll try to change me. But who know how long that could take? I am better off sticking with people who can deal with me now, and will merely like me more when I change for the better, not people who need the change.

That sounded defensive, didn’t it? And is there any defense for letting go of your friends?

So, I’ll stop here. This sucks. I wish it didn’t. I don’t seem to be a particularly good friend. I was I was. I will try.

But not with her. I guess I don’t have the emotional energy, either.

<<|>>

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USAID is one of many donors for the project I work for. The views expressed herein are the author’s own views and do not necessarily reflect those of the author’s employer or especially those of the United States Agency for International Development or the United States Government. And I mean it. I probably give the US government heart attacks.