I have been trying to force myself back into Turkmenistan. It’s hard. This is the most difficult place I have ever lived. On the surface, it seems fine – clean city, air-conditioned office, easy lifestyle and plenty of stuff to buy. But it gets to you, here, the atmosphere. (as I try to find a way to write that which won’t get me arrested.) The way no one is ever quite comfortable saying what they mean. It’s a feeling of pressure, bearing down on you, all the time.

It has been slowly dawning on me how much I dislike this county. I am on optimist by nature; it doesn’t take much to make me happy. It frequently doesn’t occur to me to be unhappy, in fact. So it can take a long, long, time for me to realize I don’t like where I am. It’s a relief to figure it out – oh, that’s why I’ve been irritable. Oh, that’s why I never want to go out any more.

I have another ten months in Turkmenistan. It’s too soon to burn out on this, and I’ve got work to do that needs me engaged and reasonably happy. I know, from experience (I have too much experience with this, I fear) that the right response at this point is to push myself towards Turkmenistan instead of pulling away like I want to. It’s tempting to stay home and watch American TV on DVD, but what I need to do I find reasons to like, or at least contentedly tolerate, the country I’m in.

I leave Turkmenistan in May. In February I can start short-timing it, devote myself to watching British TV and vegetate at home. But right now, in August, my head needs to be here.

Kir and I are getting out the big guns to do this. He’s calling today about hot air balloon rides we’ve seen advertised, and we’re planning another trip to the Caspian Sea for September, probably the first week in September before I start flying all over Central Asia. I am thinking of trying to come up with one treat for us every month, to give us something to look forward to. I am also going to start going to Tolkuchka bazaar again on the weekends, once it gets cool enough to do that. And continue loading up on local production cotton. If a $1.50 t-shirt makes me happy, I might as well go with it.

It’s a combination of trying to get more involved in traditionally Turkmen things, get back in the mode of eyes open and discovering new things about Turkmenistan, and also doing more things that are objectively fun. It has worked for me before. I survived a bad bit in Tashkent by riding the trambai and staring out the window, and going out for Thai food got me through some bad bits in Egypt. Here’s hoping it works here, too, because otherwise it will be a long, long ten months in Ashgabat.

<<|>>

You might have missed...
I’m not sure my ego has ever cycled as fast as it has lately. - 15 July 2004
shots - 12 July 2004
But that was long ago, and in another country. - 22 June 2004
I was getting bored with linear thought… - 09 June 2004
You told him we slept together before marriage? - 20 May 2004

USAID is one of many donors for the project I work for. The views expressed herein are the author’s own views and do not necessarily reflect those of the author’s employer or especially those of the United States Agency for International Development or the United States Government. And I mean it. I probably give the US government heart attacks.