I always said that politics didn't interest me until there was blood involved. In college, I dozed my way through my American government and European affairs classes, even while I wrote passionate papers about the Algerian revolution and Egyptian political movements. I tried to pay attention to American politics, and in DC it’s hard not to. But in the end, I gave it up. When I vote, I vote straight democrat, and I figured that was enough political participation for me.

Today I realized that half the websites on my favorites list are devoted to US politics. Apparently over the last few months US politics have become terrifying enough to interest me.

Being American is core to my identity. I am a writer, I am a woman, I am an American. I have always been proud to be an American. Even if I don’t always agree with what my country does, I believe in what the USA stands for, and I love that the US keeps trying to live up to it. I believe in the US constitution more than I believe in God.

And now, I am ashamed and embarrassed to be American. I’m not convinced my country is trying to live up to the constitution. I know, for sure, my government isn’t, and my nation seems to be standing by to let that happen.

The Bush government is slowly working to erode civil rights. The situation in Iraq is being fucked up hopelessly. (including future civilian deaths). We have abandoned our commitment to Afghanistan. The government is moving away from ecological protection.. Basic human rights are slowly being taken away by John Ashcroft. Not only has the US declared the UN irrelevant, but the American sugar industry is attacking the World Health Organization because the sugar cartel believes that people should consume up to 25% of their daily calories in sugar.

Oh, and the states are so broke that they are cutting Medicaid, unscrewing lightbulbs, and rationing chalk. While George W. Bush is asking for tax cuts.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to stop what’s happening. I joined the ACLU. I obey their action alerts. I write letters to the president, my senators, my congressmen, and Jeb Bush about things that upset me. I give money to Human Rights Watch. I plan to vote.

I don’t believe it will make the slightest difference.

I wish I knew what would. The American left is either dead or full of knee-jerk wackos. The mainstream has been hijacked by the right. There is no place for people like me. Kir and I have talked about it. I find myself wanting to move back to the US so I can be more politically active. Kir is beginning to wonder if he ever wants to live in the US again. He’s not going home this summer when I visit, and he seems more relieved than disappointed about it.

So far, I focus on what I’m doing here. My work in Turkmenistan is good. We save children’s lives. We give people knowledge they need to stay healthy. We improve education for kids and help teachers do better. I am doing something good.

Even as I write this, I know. It’s not enough. Not at all.

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USAID is one of many donors for the project I work for. The views expressed herein are the author’s own views and do not necessarily reflect those of the author’s employer or especially those of the United States Agency for International Development or the United States Government. And I mean it. I probably give the US government heart attacks.